Sami Lukis opens up about toxic masculinity

Hey ladies, ever wondered how men talk about you after a first date?

I got an accidental insight while I was out enjoying breakfast. And it wasn’t pretty.

I didn’t remember ordering a side of toxic masculinity with my smashed avo, but that’s exactly what I got when I overheard two middle-aged men at the next table discussing the date one of them had been on the night before.

I was close enough to hear every word.

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Let’s call our breakfast buddies B1 and B2:

B1: Did you go on that date last night?

B2. Yep.

B1. How much did it set you back?

B2: About 50 bucks.

B1: Not bad. Didn’t you drink much?

B2: Yeah, we had some wine. Then she ordered a beer.

B1: A beer?

B2: Yep.

B1: Oh, so she’s a cheap model.

B2: A what?

B1: You know, a cheap model. You should be grateful she’s not an expensive model. You got yourself a cheap one there, mate. Well done.

They both laughed hysterically, then started talking about the footy.

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It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been exposed to a conversation which made me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve listened to plenty of blokes sharing sexist jokes or language that’s disrespectful or hostile towards women – sometimes even using it as a bonding tool – their toxic masculinity proudly on display.

The hit TV series Adolescence recently delved into the issue of toxic masculinity and, specifically, how it’s affecting the next generation of young boys.

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The show, about a 13-year-old boy accused of murdering a female classmate, represents modern boyhood in crisis, and asks us to consider if the young boy had been victimised by the dangerous standards of masculinity he’d been exposed to on social media.

It’s undeniable that kids are being heavily influenced online in this digital age. But if grown men are still out there talking about women with such disrespect, what hope do the next generation of young boys possibly have?

I reached out to my friend Tarang Chawla, who’s been voted one of the 25 Most Influential People working for Social Change.

When his sister Nikita was murdered by her partner 10 years ago, Tarang became an advocate for women’s rights, working tirelessly to bring awareness to the horrific epidemic of male violence against women in our country.

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“The interaction you overheard confirms what women already know. That sexism and the objectification of women isn’t new”, he said.

“It didn’t start with a Netflix TV show, or with Andrew Tate. And it didn’t happen overnight. Where did they learn it in the first place? Where did they get the idea that objectifying women is ok?”

Let’s say, for example, it was a 13-year-old boy listening to the conversation I overheard – between his father and a mate. What might he take away from the chat?

Would he think all women are financially dependent on men? The first question from B1 was how much the date had cost, not whether B2 had a good time.

He wasn’t interested in finding out anything about the woman, only how much it had cost his mate to spend time with her.

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Perpetuating the archaic assumption that it’s a man’s role to look after a woman, or that she’s not capable of providing for herself.

Referring to the woman as a “cheap model” implies she’s an object, something to be acquired or owned.

Comparing the “cheap one” to a more expensive option is a consideration you’d apply when buying a new fridge or dishwasher.

What message does it send to a young boy when he hears a grown man talking about a woman like she’s a kitchen appliance?

I’m sure some people would be willing to brush off that breakfast convo as just boys being boys.

But doesn’t that ultimately mean we should give men a free pass for their inappropriate behaviour, just because of the sex chromosomes they were born with?

“I find this stuff so insulting”, said Tarang. “Because it makes it harder for men to have meaningful relationships with women, when there are other men going around without consequence or responsibility.

“It’s men who act like this who let the rest of us down. If it’s just boys being boys, we really need to redefine what that means.”

Is it unreasonable for me to expect the breakfast buddies were old enough to know better?

Men in their 50s may have been born into families with heavy patriarchal values and old fashioned gender roles, but as they grew up, they were exposed to more discussions around women’s rights and gender equality than any generation before them.

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Unfortunately, middle-aged misogyny rears its ugly head in the modern dating world all too often.

There’s a whole new wave of boomer men back on the dating scene and many of them are bringing their tired old misogynistic ways along with them. I spoke to a 60-year-old born-again-bachelor on my dating podcast Romantically Challenged, who told me his approach to dating was to “kick a few tyres”.

He thought it was hilarious. I thought it was grossly insulting.

The phrase actually refers to inspecting numerous items for defects, before deciding which one to purchase.

I’m sure I’ll cop criticism for this story from people wanting to defend all the “good blokes” out there.

“IT’S NOT ALL MEN!”, they’ll scream at me in angry emails.

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So just to be clear… I am not suggesting all men are toxic.

But toxic masculinity is all around us. And it’s contributing to the unhealthy stereotypes and toxic behaviours that are harmful to young boys, to women and to society in general.

“People might say it’s not all men,” Tarang says.

“But the reality is, it’s always a man. And the reason I care so deeply about this is because, as men, I know we’re capable of so much better.”

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