Mother’s Day Grief: Why losing your mum never gets easier, Amy Lyall reflects

I learned one thing maternity Two feelings can exist at the same time, but the feeling that keeps coming back – and at the most unexpected moments – is mourning.

A recent dinner conversation with my toddler hit me with a wave of sadness that brought on tears I didn’t know were bubbling just beneath the surface.

“Who’s your mother?” my daughter asked so innocently.

She knows Nanny is her father’s mother, she knows who her father is – and she is lucky to have three – but it is her other grandmother who is not physically in the photo.

My mother died when I was ten, so I’ve spent a lot more of my life without her than with her in it.

While the past three years in particular have been some of the best after becoming a mother, they have also been some of the hardest.

Anyone who has become a mother without a mother in their life will understand these feelings.

‘What was I like as a baby? Did I sleep? How did you get me to sleep? When did I walk? When did I talk? Was I talkative as a toddler? What were you doing when we were throwing tantrums at the stores? Have you ever stressed about milestones or sleep regressions?’

These are all questions that I have never asked my mother and to which I cannot get an answer.

I’ve never been able to pick up the phone and call my mom after a particularly bad night with a baby who would occasionally scream.

I was never able to tell my mother I was pregnant and go baby shopping with her.

I never had the chance to send her a video of something special, like my daughter’s first steps, or send her a photo of the first time I painted her nails.

There have been mornings after a particularly emotional daycare episode where I sat in the car and just cried, wishing I could call my mom.

It’s the smallest, sometimes most insignificant moments that make me miss her the most, and I know I’m not the only one.

Anyone who has experienced grief knows that it is always there, lurking beneath the surface and surfacing at the most unexpected times.

It hits you hard in the chest and can really suck the breath out of you.

Times like seeing a woman around my age with their child and their mother in the shops, or a grandmother taking their grandchild to a cafe for the morning, or even hearing my friends talk about their mother coming to babysit, remind us of what you don’t have.

I am blessed with the most wonderful mother-in-law who has done all these things for me.

I’m fortunate to have a great relationship with my dad, and my best friend has been there anytime I needed someone too. 

But there are times when it’s just not the same as your mom. 

There is no one to call when you doubt yourself.

The person who knows you inside and out and is always in your corner, ready to listen.

And that’s where that little bit of sadness never goes away.

For many women in this position, you are trying to raise a child without the blueprint you expected or thought you would get.

You’re raising a child – or children – while grieving the life you never got and the relationships you no longer have.

And while this resonates most with my mother for me, I know this kind of grief is the same for anyone who has lost a parent or a child.

Looking back, I’ve had more milestones in my life without my mother by my side, but I do think I wouldn’t be the mother I am today without her and the time we had.

Even though she may be too young to understand, I tell my daughter about my mother, and eventually it will make sense.

For now, I’ll spend this weekend holding her tight and soaking up as much of this as I can.

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